so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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