Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
My bed is full of blood and feathers
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
