Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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