DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
