I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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