Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
