You can't special order awesome
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
