Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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