Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
