There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
