I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
