I'm gonna have a badass scar
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I deserve this hangover.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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