my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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