I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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