One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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