he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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