I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
