I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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