You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
