just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
