If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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