I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Text me some of your sweat
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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