The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
