my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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