Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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