My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
