went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
