mondays should just be called national damage control day
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
