she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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