It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Everclear isn't food dammit
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
