Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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