I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
