I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
