I hate your face
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
