If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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