i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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