I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
