You just made me feel so damn special
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
