we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My dick has a subreddit
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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