tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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