In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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