Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
