people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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