nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
