a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
