Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
