I'm gonna have a badass scar
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
