i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
