I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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