grandma shit on top of the toilet
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
