I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
