the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
