It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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