Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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