I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
