so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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