U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
