i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
